i wonder if i’m doing it right

I fall in love with things that didn’t work; things that worked better as ideas, and things I will do. Things that will fail; why do I want to do those things? Why doesnt a working relationship sound as appealing as doing something bold and profound and failing? is it because I dont know how to have a relationship? is it because I like to be rejected? Maybe its because I love to do things that scare me and leave a mark on people. Maybe I’m one of those creepy guys who likes to leave peopel scarred with evidence of my existence.

nay. I am a guy who explores the inner workings of discomfort and  does all he can to prove that the human mind is impossibly malliable.

I think I’ve figured her out; she only likes white guys.

[*edit*] And that truly makes her just like me. Except the guys part. Why must we encounter these paradoxes? Why does + have to meet + and fall into infatuation?

I think I want to make an art piece;

ha.ha.ha.

[*aimee*] Yes that was a fun talk, and since we stopped talking I havent gotten much done… Hey I’ll send you my paper!!!! it has my brainstorm on it and everything- tell me what you think!

[*edit*] nevermind. but look at this!! LOL!!

 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Foreign_accent_syndrome

I like cold weather; the light acts as if snow crystals can help it achieve the desired destination.

Today’s class was great! I learned a lot. stuff like how sentences are structured and some pronouns.

I have to memorize a story in arabic, it seems daunting but it’s only two paragraphs. I know what it’s about, its a girl named hala bustani going to a university in Aleppo. her professor is named elias zeyada who teaches mathematics.

then she describes her classroom in the second paragraph which i have yet to translate!

Oh fun!

Yeah so there’s some more drama but I will just ignore it and see what happens; I will describe it later. right now I need to do an article for Economics; peace Gs. Love y’all.

oh my goodness I am turning into what I’ve been trying to combat!

Can I still fight that sort of thing now?

My delayed and missed timings have turned me into one of those people who unintentionally lead people on.

I just spent the whole night preparing cat’s birthday present, signs and even some stuff i probably shouldn’t have done.

I will ask her to join me for lunch tomorrow so I can deliver this thing.

I wholeheartedly believe that she liked me up until my awkward confusion decision making stage, when I couldn’t decide about whether to pursue this interest or not. Now it just seems that I have ruined something with so much potential; and I am continuing to make the situation miserable for both of us.

I recall many times when I got the signal that she liked me; more times than not and maybe I should have mentioned that. things like jealousy, enthusiasm and prolonged eye contact all gave me this idea. now I do all of those, and refuse to go after her.

I have always struggled with girls who will do that; make eye contact for more than 5 seconds, be enthusiastic about everything and made subtle advances towards a friendship.

Now I am a boy that will make eye contact for 15 seconds, is enthusiastic about decisions and is always thinking about moving a friendship moving forward, but never acting nor putting the other person in a position to effectively control their situation.

I dont think I like myself very much right now.

I will still ask cat to go to lunch with me; this labour will not go unfruited.

here’s a download: *[edit no download anymore. I like it too much to share it.]* *[sorry]* *[edit nevermind, I hate being stingy. http://durkadurka.us/satie-leyachting.mp3  it is 1.2M, not very big.

I swear, Satie and 80′s femmePop could be my life support.

Neither of my professors showed up today; slackers.

I studied my book at the library and started an arabic dictionary of words i know, but instead of using English at alll I just drew pictures; the arabic words come into my head automatically; kinda cool.

this is probably a sign that I should get my things in order; I wont though. I think Arabic is much more important to my studies that pleasing teachers in HighSchool.

I will put that at back priority and believe —————- nope. the voice screams no; I must get my things in order. goodnight.

Today  Cat and I didnt have lunch, I asked her and She said she wanted to stay and work. I didnt really want to pack up and go either so I stayed and studied for econ.  Class was ok; I realize that high school kids really suck; college students are much better people in general.

Hannah, another blonde wants to have lunch with me; I’ll totally take her up on that sometime; I dont know ANYTHING about her and apparently she’s hard to get to know. I think its the mysteriousness behind her that drives me to desire a lunch with her.

she hit me TWICE today, the most action I’ve seen from her since i’ve met her.

i am about to fall asleep

adios and sorry I missed you aimee, goodnight Aly and Aimee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111!!!!!!!!!”’

I am heavily attracted to Cat sometimes, when we talk about government, physics, math, drama and absolutely nothing. I like it when we talk about eachother to eachother and when we can have bouts of peaceful silence, and long screaming car rides to a song neither of us know.

But when we  get back to school, she flows off of me and onto many many other boys, Monty is a young man she flirts with constantly. Perry, some asian kid and even the teachers she flirts with. she doesnt like me, why should I like her?  She tries and does a good job at sounding very smart, she’s super intelligent and gorgeous, but sometimes I catch her in the act and it’s terribly awkward for me to call her out. she gets way too invested in drama I think; even those who she has no business in.

she’s too ambitious for her own good, Much like myself.

There are faults, I may not be able to pinpoint the ones important to myself, but I can be anyone and I can do anything. Including ignoring the cat greene. I may not be able to resist her if she comes on to me, but I can stop myself from coming on to her. maybe that will change, but when my two best friends dont approve (though you dont know her. at all.) , it must be grounds for a deep introspection of my wants, motives, avaliability, desire, truth and timing.

OHH GRAP BUT SHE SEEMS PERFECT SOMETIMES

then other times not.

what is up with that.?

it was hard enough finding people who can be mature at a young age, now i’ve found a girl who I am heavily attracted to, and is mature at my own age and I’m not chasing her?!

she’s single, stable, wonderful and not so wonderful.

oh what the heck; so what if she’s all that.

I am still 16 and these kinds of things dont last.

word up.

I have my conclusion (many more to come.)

Now tonight!!!!
AlyStar you’re amazing.

we MUST hang out again

that light thing was so FUN I must figure out how it works!!!

I will start searching for dress stores so we can scope those jungles out too!

Ok, ‘ve got two chapters of econ to read and mark up!!!

ADIOS !!!!!!!!!

I cannot say, “Catheryne, this is why I am not going after you.”

There are things I dont like, but I realize they’re unrealistic qualities to search for.

I cannot search for a non flirtatious girl while wanting her to be rich with secret personality. they simply do not exist, and if they do the probability of me meeting them is so low I could be hit by lightning 4 times.

My preferences do not run the planet, they obviously hardly run my life.

I will lose my expectations and settle for something realistic, and find magic in that.

I will find a working relationship with someone. they can be dumb, smart, disrespectful, a doormat, druggy hobo or bible beating polly pocket. If I can find a working relationship with them, then that is how I’ll decide who I go for. Of course my preferences dont go away, they get lower priority to who I can work with and who I cant. Until now I’ve been looking for someone who can meet my requirements, and obviously nothing can work unless two people can have some kind of functional relationship.

Cat and I have a functioning relationship. We help eachother, entertain eachother, encourage eachother and instead of argue, agree about disagreeing. We are both a little more mature than our age, but can act 10 years younger when the time’s right. We are complements. She does not smoke, drink or dance, she likes math and fasion. she likes to know things and is able to sound smart when she needs to, she needs approval but not to the point where its unbearable. We all do it and it’s actually rather entertaining. seeking approval is something to overcome with the help of another. She has a sex drive, but does not wish to use it , (thats what I mean by sex drive. for I do that too, knowledge in that area is just as valid if not as important as most other knowledge. ya?)

there’s really no reason to not go after catheryne. Except for that she’s flirtatious. I can be too though. I must find out if she does what I do when I enter a relationship though. If so the invisible wall of unrecognized knowledge will come crashing down. My emotions will take over and I will indeed fall into that stage again.

Now I am taking college classes, saving money, losing money, dealing with awkwardness and moving on faster than before. I imagine this wont happen for a month or so, so dont expect it to happen in the next week or so, though it may.

You said something Aimee, today. “keep your motives in the right place.” I understood that as: Make sure your actions are based on your wants that have been calculated by deep marginal thinking on an unbiased plate. wants change constantly and they will forever be acted upon by thinking about the risks and benefits of a decision. But I wasnt thinking like that last night, so you are keeping me on the rails.

thank you, I know I must take into account (where I take her) when I decide what my wants are, obviously I am not so disrespectful as to bring her to church with the interest of getting closer to her instead of enlightenment (my wussy word for it right now I suppose.)

I need to get to know cat A lot more, but right now she knows I am attracted to her. She may fall into the like with me because I like her and I learned today I dont want that. I reckon I am looking into the future, at a time when I chase after a girl I have put MUCH thought into.

I think the driving factor in this is her age, and her maturity level, her respect for me and her craving for knowledge. I think the only thing keeping me away is … woah woah wait  I see two things keeping me away now.

she loves attention from whomever; she is flirty flirty.

No way, that’s almost what I settled for last time.

no way jose.

well maybe; who knows. maybe I’ll grow up sometime.

I have so much studying todo but I am getting along fine! it’s cool. I should enter an Arabic spelling contest.

adios loves

I dont want a girl with low self esteem

she musn’t be afraid to do anything  crazy,

now the musts i guess.

she must be afraid of doing something conventionally, or at least sketchy.

she must think.

she must be original.

she must be academically sound and have a goal to work towards

she must be funny and able to take jokes

she must be exclusive to me. Its always a little awkward every time my partner or the partner of someone else makes things inclusive towards me, I feel like its something too special to be passing around to strangers and aquaintances,

she must have respect, for me and for all.

she must crave knowledge

she must be ready to turn in any direction at any point in time, except 180 degrees.

she must be rational

she must forgive

she must have passion for what interests her

she must crave me, and make me crave her

she must be serious when the time is right, and goofy at most other times.

most of all, she must be drop dead gorgeous.

just kidding

she has to care about herself, and all women are beautiful, its just the ones who know how to do it that get labled as “pretty”

knowing how to do it mostly entails taking care of yourself

the ones who spend too much time doing it are called models and do too much drugs.

most importantly: she must be able to stand up for herself, be bold when she needs to and be ready to talk about anything and everything if needed. she needs to be ready to have long silences and at times scream at the top of her lungs the words to a song.

she cant be afraid of me, my judgements and my wants.

she must have a sex drive

she has to be. herself.

that’s really all.  what do you two like in a guy?